|image: Cauldron of the Goddess|
It's also made my pants a little more loose.
This weekend is my birthday. Normally I'd celebrate with cake and ice cream and maybe pizza. I'd go out to dinner, if I had the money, and I'd sit for a couple hours at an all you can eat Chinese buffet so I'd get my money's worth, even after bariatric surgery. There are two concepts that would be at work here: First, that celebration= food (something I think a lot of us suffer from) and second, that because I'm poor, I have to make the most out of every dollar, which means getting what's cheap, and a lot of it, regardless of what that means in terms of health.
Right now I'm eating with a plan, and reacting day to day to my health. That means I start the day with my protein, and eat small amounts of carbs as my blood sugar starts to lower. I'm being more careful with my vitamins, and rather than focusing on what I want to eat, what I crave, or what I remember eating (before surgery) with such fondness, I'm focusing on what I need to stay healthy during the active summer months.
It requires looking at food a different way. These days I'm looking at food as a means of feeling my best physically, rather than as a reward, a punishment, or a source of emotional pleasure. Food is not my lover, my friend, my crutch, my dream... food is fuel for my body.
I am a boredom eater... and I hope that come winter some of my summer mindset will remain with me. I know it'll be a struggle.
Right now the struggle is to eat at all. I find myself thinking and saying things like "eating is a waste of time", which I know is just as unhealthy as thinking I need to reward myself or bring myself "up" with food.
It's all about balance.
... and awareness.
So today I'm keeping aware of what my body needs, what it's saying to me, and I'm eating to live.