The Turn Around Day

When my eldest was little, and was having a bad day, we had a little ritual. We'd proclaim the day Turn Around Day. We'd then march three steps in one direction, holding hands, then make a rapid 180° turn and march three more steps. "See how easy it is to turn around and change direction? We're going to do that with our WHOLE DAY."

Today I'm proclaiming Turn Around Day. I've been so stressed out over my son, having the sinus infection, being taken to the ER with chest pain, the stuff going on at the zoo, and now my allergy/cold/flu/whatever, that I spent most of the afternoon yesterday eating and crying.

Neither did me a heck of a lot of good.

So today I'm doing a turn around. Turning around means viewing something from a different direction. It means moving in a different direction, and breaking free of the insanity of doing whatever it was that got me miserable in the first place. It doesn't mean retreat (although it can), it means finding a new path forward.

Today my mantra will be a question: How does this nurture me? If something isn't going to move me forward, or give me strength, or hope, or joy, then I'm NOT going to do it. Now that recognizes that there are some things that are less pleasant that I may choose to do because it ultimately moves me forward, like swallowing those huge, disgusting tasting vitamins. But there are things that I do in my life because I feel obligated or because I seek approval that do nothing for me except to produce stress and hardship in my life. I need to start evaluating those things more closely, and I also need to start evaluating the things I stress over that I'm pretty much powerless over.

EXAMPLE: Today the jail wanted me to go to the hospital, get my son's shot,and carry it to the jail so he could get his meds. That to me feels like an obligation. What it would involve is this: I'd have to leave the house at about 7, take two buses to the hospital, wait, get the med, take two more buses out to the edge of town, walk 10 miles, drop of the meds, walk 10 miles back to the bus stop and HOPE I get there before the last of that bus (which runs seldom) leaves, else walk 5 more miles to the Central line to take the bus home. We're talking about 6 hours of walking ALONE. The crazy in all this? Some little part of me is thinking, "OK... if I have to, I can walk 20 miles" So while I'd acknowledged that this ISN'T my responsibility, and the jail should be held responsible for this, I worry that they won't, and that it's my responsibility to make sure that it's all done.

So how would making this my responsibility nurture me? It won't. What it'll do is feed into my need to make everything right with the minimum fuss. It'll mean that I just give up and do it because I worry no one else will. And that attitude has colored my politics, my relationships, my work, and my life in general for a long long time.

It's time to take a step in another direction, to be a little selfish, and to ask, "How does this nurture me?"

We're no longer talking about "mommydom"... that state where my kids are too young to be responsible, we're talking about dealing with other adults. And at this point, these adults, whether they're my kids, or the doctors, or the councilor at the jail, or my daughter-in-law, or whoever... well, I can't keep in step with them, just to keep urging them forward. I need to move in my own direction, and let their path be the path they've chosen, no matter how wrong I think they are.

Today I'm saying "no" to their paths, and choosing my own. Today I'm turning around, not just my mood, but my direction in life. Today I choose for ME.