The worst part was that she'd taken the stuff that I went to pick up out of the apartment: his birth certificate, ID, medical records, and so on. Then when I left, she called the police and said that I forced my way into the apartment and stole from her. I wasn't terribly surprised, and that's why I had the police escort in the first place. ((sigh)) She continually called me and voice mail, tying up my phone, swearing and carrying on, then when I had the police over for the harassment report, she started arguing with the police officer. The girl isn't too bright. Anyway, hopefully that's all over and I'll never hear from her again. I just don't need the drama. My only regret is that my son is going to have difficulty because it takes so long (and is so expensive) getting a replacement birth certificate from New York State. All I left with was a basketful of his clothes, mostly socks and underwear, and a grocery bag of his books.
The fishing fair was OK... the best part was getting to see some Sand Hill Cranes, which I was afraid had already left for their northern migration... I thought I'd missed them.
Now for the update:
My cardiac testing was fine. The nurse said I actually lasted longer than she could doing the stress test. She was half my age. It felt pretty good, because I was able to get my heart rate way up past what they'd expected with no ill effect. I had more trouble breathing than I did with my heart (still have that darn sinus infection) And, as I already knew, my heart recovers EXTREMELY quickly. No worries. At this point we have no clue what happened Saturday.
And at this point I'm not going to worry about it. I've got enough on my plate right now.
for now... enjoy the sand hills in flight:
I loved seeing the photo of the sand hill cranes so thank you for sharing. Glad it was all good news re: stress test...sounds like you are in wonderful shape! Good thinking on police escort. You did what you could and getting his birth certificate, while important and too bad you couldn't just get it from her...is the least of his problems. I hope he gets the kind of help he needs and is able to straighten out his life as much as possible soon. Hope his son can be adopted and have a chance at life, if that is in the cards. Hope you can get to Santa Fe asap and things be a little more peaceful. All I can say is good grief, you have too much on your plate and I hope by the time the girls start college in the fall everything will be settled down. You are an incredibly strong person to be able to handle all of this.
ReplyDeleteCarol, right now the big thing on my plate is that they want me to pick up his medicine at the hospital and bring it to him in jail The distance between the jail and the nearest bus stop is 10 miles. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I called the court mental health division and left them a message asking if there were some way that they could transport his shot.
DeleteAs for strength... I don't feel very strong today. I feel emotionally exhausted and on the verge of tears. I need some time out to myself.
On Pinterest (what else) I saw a quote.....we do not cry because we are weak--we cry because we have been strong for too long. I like that, it feels right to me. Yes,you do need some time for yourself. I am glad you got to get out and go see the birds. Surely, surely, if you explain that you do not have a car or anyone to help you that does, the jail would figure out some way to get his meds. You can not walk 10 miles...well, you probably could, but you do not need to be doing that. Tell the girls you need them to take care of you tomorrow and you do whatever you can to de-stress...and hang in there. I'll be thinking about you.
DeleteI've left a message for the mental health court about the difficulty in getting the meds to my son. Hopefully Monday they'll find a way, because even if I find a way this week, I won't be able to do it ongoing. The problem with the walk is that for most of it there is no sidewalk, I'd be walking on the shoulder of the frontage road for Rt 40... not terribly safe. Not something I think I can consider at all.
DeleteToday I'm going out to a thrift store and to K-Mart... not my favorite thing to do, but there you have it. I've got to get Tay a bigger suitcase (or trunk) to pack her stuff in. This will also free up the smaller suitcase she's got her stuff in for my son's stuff. I'm already sick of seeing it sitting in my living room in the laundry basket (yes, all he has left is one basket of clothing and a bag of books) Half the clothing is stuff I picked up for him at the storehouse.
I'm thinking tomorrow or Tuesday will be my day to decompress. I suppose I could put off today's stuff until tomorrow, but it's easier to do a lot of running around with one of the girls in tow... especially since what I need to pick up is mostly stuff for them.
Why are you doing this on your own? Can't you ask a friend from the park or someone from the gym or the apartment complex that you are friendly with if they can give you a ride? Can you borrow the van for an hour? Why do you have to do this on your own. I know you thrive on doing things on your own, but good grief, allow someone into your life, tear down that wall that you have been reinforcing. They won't think bad of you, they will be grateful that you asked. This could be a first step in getting back into society, something you seem to want to do on a certain level. Social media is not life and you could have a thousand friends on it and still not partake in anything that a real life has to offer.
ReplyDeleteI understand why you are doing everything on your own. I bet everyone you know at the park, gym, apartment complex, unitarian church, etc KNOW that you do not have a car. How easy would it be for them to call you and say I am going to be out running around today....is there anywhere you would like to go? And how often has that happened? I don't know, but I am betting not often. I raised 4 kids by myself. I often could have used some help in various ways but I learned quickly I was the one who I could count on. People often said call me if you need anything but it is very hard to ask for help. When I did ask sometimes I got help, more often they were too busy with their own lives, and sometimes I think people just hated for me to call again so I stopped asking. If any of your friends from the park, etc read your blog they know you need help...why are they not offering? Before my breakdown I was the most gregarious person.....I knew tons of people from work, patrons who came in the library where I worked, was at church every time the door was unlocked, started a Red Hat chapter (that failed...it became too much of a chore just trying to find a time when more than 2 people out of 20 could get together), volunteered, at different times I sold Tupperware, Avon, jewelry in people's homes...I knew a lot of people. I often expressed to people I wish I had a group of girlfriends to get together once a week, once a month, something and play cards and games, watch a movie together, do something fun that didn't cost much since I never had money but since most of my friends were married it never happened. When I had my breakdown and the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia took over my life my therapist told me I must get out of the house for at least a few minutes every day and to ask my friends for help. I emailed a bunch of people and told them what my therapist said, that I couldn't do it alone, I needed someone to come with me and since it was summer and the botanical garden here was free I asked that if they could ever go get a coke, go for a walk (I love to walk outdoors), or go to the botanical garden with me please call me. They all knew me as a strong person who never asked for help. Numerous people said oh sure, any time. I responded well I am always home (duh) so you let me know when you have the time. In the end, one friend took me to the botanical garden several times. Otherwise it was my children who got me out of the house. In this day and age when everyone has a family, a job or maybe 2, and life is hectic and stressful for everyone thank goodness for social media or I truly would feel alone when it comes to friends. It beats nothing and moral support from anywhere is good. I think once you get to Santa Fe, a smaller town, things will be different. I hope so. Wish I were there. I would take you places. However, while your son is in jail I would think they are obligated to see that he has his medication. You can not do everything. Hang in there. I think you are awesome. You are strong. Monday take the day for you....do not think about what you need to do for the kids, think of what you need to do for you that you can do for just one day. Make a list of how life is going to be different when you get to Santa Fe and what you can do to make it so. Life is going to get better. :)
ReplyDeleteGoing out for a drink "sometme" is much different than asking if they could give you a ride on either Tuesday or Wednesday up to the prison so that you can drop off some medicine. I understand that it very difficult to make life long friends but asking someone you know and work with every day if they could give you a specific ride, shouldn't be a death sentence. You are thinking with your depression if you don't even ask someone for some help because they will "probably say no." Is that what you tell your children, when they are having a hard time making friends at school--Don't even try because you are right, they probably won't help you. Your feeling may get hurt, but that is the only way you may find a life long friend, you have to put yourself out there. Or you can hibernate and be alone for the rest of your life, because maybe, just maybe someone wouldn't want to be your friend.
DeleteHarsh, but it is just plain crazy to tell her, you would never ask anyone either because someone didn't call you to make plans. You are the one that wanted to hang out, you have to take the first step.
And, Carol, you should try again, if you are interested in interacting. Call one person, don't email or write a letter, call them on the phone, don't leave a message mumbling about wishing they could go out sometime, ask them if they have plans next Tuesday or Saturday. Ask them if they would like to take a walk at 4:30 or go see the newest flick (name it, This means war, the vow, Act of Valor) next week with you. You can't wait for someone to call you, it isn't going to happen, people have lives. If you want to be included in their lives, if you have deemed them worthly of being a friend, then you make the call. Listen to your counselor, he/she actually knows what they are talking about. Emailing isn't the same as talking to them on the phone or better yet in person when you run into them at the store. I hope this will push you out of your comfort zone and try it.
DeleteMost of the people I know work during the day, which is when I have to go with the meds. The shot clinic is only open for a couple hours (8:30 to 11:00) a couple days a week. This is a really rough time for people to take off on the zoo: we're prepping for summer camp, we're getting ready for the Run for the Zoo rallies next week. I do have a friend who offered me cab fare. She's a single mom too, and doesn't make that much, and goes to college after work.
DeleteBecause I'm in the tax credit section of my apartment complex, my friends here are all handicapped or elderly, and they don't drive either.
I have one friend who is not working, but she says that after the way my son treated me, she will not support me lifting one finger to help him, and NOT to call her for stuff like that.
So there it is.
Deliaiah, There is one thing I have to add, and that's that it gets harder to make social connections once you hit 40. By the time you hit 50, people are already in their "cliques" and it's a lot harder to break in... especially if you're a third wheel. It seems to me that once you hit 80 or so, things get easier again... maybe because everyone is less mobile, and the people you CAN get close to are the people around you, not the people who are off in all different directions.
For me, most of my friends don't live anywhere near me. They tend to live in some of the nearby cities, like Corrales and Tijera and Edgewood... and getting downtown (or to the zoo for that matter) means about an hour drive. Generally when we go places, I meet them somewhere half way, because of the cost and time of a big commute.
And no, I can't sign out the zoo van for personal reasons. I'm a volunteer, I don't rent the van, and I can ONLY sign it out when I'm signing out on a school visit or zoo to you trip. Every time I go through the gate I have to report my milage.
When this first happened I called everyone local that I know.... My friend from Corrales had already left for Corrales and was on the road (She'd just dropped me off at my place) My friend in the heights was out with her Not For Profit (and said she won't help with him anyway), and none of my friends were in the city that day. Now for Tuesday, I'm talking to them (the jail and the hospital) about THEIR responsibility, because it ISN'T my responsibility to courier medication between the two. It's THEIR responsibility to see that he gets adequate medical care.
Well, Delialiah, you made some good points....be specific, etc. Why don't I just pick up the phone and call? I am hearing inpaired. I can not hear on a phone, even with hearing aides, so email & texting pretty much is my best way. My friends know that is how I communicate. Regardless of contact method the fact remains.....most people work, have families meaning multiple schedules to coordinate as it is, life is hectic for everyone. I didn't go in to allllllll the specifics about my case, just a glimpse, because it wasn't meant to be about me but to point out that even though I know many, many kind people I couldn't find but one that had time to drop their busy lives and take me to the botanical garden. Even though I did repeatedly specifically say "can you go for a walk on fill in the blank day? (knowing the unspoken words were "on the weekend when your husband and kids want your attention and you have a week's worth of laundry, shopping, cleaining to do or after you have worked all day, have a family waiting for you to cook dinner, run someone to soccer, ballet and swim lessons but before dark because I also have a vision impairment and can not drive after dark to meet you and I live too far out on the edge of town to make it practical for people living in a better, safer part of town come pick me up and then have time to do anything since we can't really walk out here safely after dark)....it is easy to be critical when you do not have all the facts. When you haven't walked in the other person's shoes. It is ok. I am sure you mean well. I get it that I have room for improvement. You have no idea what I told my children, but I am getting away from the point. The point being the chance of getting someone to give up a couple of hours during the middle of a weekday to run an errand, and not a fun one at that... such as going to a jail, is just hard. I, for one, am not going to gripe at Kate for trying to figure out how to do everything on her own. I still maintain, in the end, it is our family (blood relatives or those few we have chosen to call family) are the ones we can depend upon. I will say Kate, explain your situation because you are correct in that it is THEIR responsibility (they know they are leaving the door open to a law suit if they deny someone the meds they truly need). Kate, your job this week is to take care of you. Think positive, this too shall pass. Santa Fe is going to be so wonderful, just a new start. 6 months down the road you are going to be looking at a wonderful fall in a beautiful city with all kinds of possibilities for making new friends. What an exciting time!
ReplyDeleteI am stunned by how harsh some people can be when they have no idea. Kate, I just want to encourage you. You can do whatever you have to do. You can figure out what it is you really do NOT have to do. You will figure out a way to get through the next few months. And, Delialiah, in my earlier email when I mentioned asking my friends to call me if they had time to go someplace with me, they all know I can not hear on a phone and they know that means call my phone, leave a message and then when one of my kids comes over they will listen to it and tell me what they said. They all know just to email me. How easy it is to give tough love, wake up and smell the coffee, break down the walls or hibernate and be lonely advice to me, and to Kate, when you are totally clueless.
ReplyDeleteWhen Kate has no family around, she will have to rely on friends. Carol, I am not sure why you bring up the fact that they are the ones we depend on. You can make a choice and only interact with them but when you are like Kate and I, you have to expand your horizons. And, I telling you that if you want friends, then you must get out of your comfort zone, may be harsh, but it is what you say your counselor says and what most humans must do. One last idea for you Carol is ask if you can tag along with your "friend" on her running around. I am not sure why you are hanging out with people that are in the soccer mom stage when you are 54, I know that as a mature woman, 56, I don't have any friends running their children around to soccer. We are worrying about senior prom and working through empty nest syndrome. I am not sure when you are talking about, maybe when you were 40 or earlier. Maybe it is time to try again. And yes, I'm harping on you. No one should be alone if they don't want to...
ReplyDeleteLOL! I have never let age define me or who I associate with. I am 58 but half a dozen of the people who have stayed in touch with me, from work mostly, through email or inviting me to lunch or whatever are younger mothers with kids in soccer. It has never dawned on them, or me, that because I am 2 or 3 decades older that we can not enjoy each other. I also know a grandma raising her grandchildren. As far as family, I consider those friends so close that you can depend upon them as being family too. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear. I just meant those are the people you can call upon with the most success rather than neighbors in your apartment complex. Currently I am just about the happiest person I know, even though I live with mental illness and depression, among other things. I am not sitting at home alone crying in my beer at the moment. If I am sitting home alone with my dogs but in constant contact with people through email it is because that is what works for me right now. LOL! I DO often prefer my dogs to people and that is ok. If not, I have plenty of places to go to be around people, and I do. In trying to defend Kate, who actually needs no defending, when you were ranting about social media I said thank goodness for social media, and I still say so. Without it, I would not have met Kate, who I think is awesome, insightful, intelligent, funny, creative, strong, kind, and most of all interesting and I am glad to call her my blogger friend. Everything in life is a balance. And now, because I do not believe this has been uplifting or helpful for Kate, I am done responding to you, Delialiah. Good night and good luck.
ReplyDeleteI really think you both have good points. It's up to us to make the first move with building connections. At the same time, chronic illness makes it difficult at some times. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know if it's that THEY are uncomfortable with chronic illness, or I'M worried that they're uncomfortable. I do know that some of the people I've worked with or started making connections with do get impatient if I'm too tired or sick from my illness to do something. Honestly, I think it's my poverty that hurts the most. My friends want me to come ballooning, but I can't get out to the field at 5am. My friends want me to go to movies with them every week, but I can't afford that. My friends like to go to all the events around town, and some are at a black tie party tonight (I don't even own a gown).
ReplyDeleteAs for soccer moms... seems to me you can have a highschooler in soccer... and if at 56 you're worrying about senior prom, at 54 you had a sophomore that could have been on the soccer team. Not that much of an age difference.
I have to laugh a little about the "soccer mom" thing, because my friend from Corrales (a vet tech) was complaining about a co-worker who is late every day and leaves early every day because she drives her 16 year old son to and from school. And this woman is a professional in her field in a highly specialized clinic. It's not an age thing.
I agree that no one should be alone if they don't want to be... but also understand the difficulty of poverty and chronic illness. It's a different set of challenges... but they are things that can, to some degree, be dealt with. I know that part of my volunteer life is all about making connections with people with common interests. And it's tough with all I've got going on some days. But I know it's important all the way around. The problem is that the people I'm associating with live so darn far away, and in many cases are affluent enough that they don't understand my not coming out and spending money with them. And that's not a "fault" in anyone, just a situation where I've tried to fit in with a group of people who perhaps who have a lifestyle so different than my own that it's difficult for some of them to relate.
Now there are people I'm meeting who are understanding of my situation, and whom we have a lot in common with, and I think I mentioned my one friend who offered cab fare... when I know she can't afford it herself. If I need to, I'll take the cab fare as a loan and pay it back in small chunks. And she did volunteer to drive me to visit after work on days when she doesn't have college (she's going back for another degree, and yes, she is my age) but those aren't times that there are visitation or times when the shot clinic is open.
I'm sorry that things got so heated between the two of you. You both made such good points, and I think there's something to be taken away from both viewpoints.
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to feel attacked and left out when you are feeling isolated by chronic illness. Sometimes it's difficult to realize that all the rejection we feel is not the response of every person we're going to encounter.
It's so very important to take the risk and keep our hearts open.
And THAT'S how we make the friends and connections that nurture us.
Exactly what I was trying to say Kate. You have to keep trying.
ReplyDelete